Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.