Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
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Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.