PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music