Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My Guy
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.