Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice