[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
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My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
it be like that
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?