[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
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me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Always
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Worth the read.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.