Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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Barbie gone wild
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
These 3D printers are insane!
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife