I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
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Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Just had my nails done!
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?