My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
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Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
scrabbled eggs
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.