you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
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date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.