[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
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I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.