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me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.