I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
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[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Shower sex be like:
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.