*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
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Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.