I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
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Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I did not eat the cake…
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
There’s only one good girl here!
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.