You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
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My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
#Caturday
When you “pspspsp” too hard
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Hey i am sexy to you now