The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
thinking about a very short hotdog
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”