What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
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I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out