*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
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Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I just ran a .003048K
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries