“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
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Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I wish I were this cool 😂
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter