Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
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I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
finally
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog