ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
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“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.