When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
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*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.