All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
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Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.