After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I really had high hopes for this year though
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.