I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
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*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
My dad is at it again
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.