Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
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My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.