Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
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FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Duolingo getting serious.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly