It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
You Might Also Like
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!