*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.