In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
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So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving