Buying a well is money well spent.
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No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.