If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
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*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”