WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
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by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT