Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Fight
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.