Playdough smells better than other philosophers
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No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
i will not be silenced
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me