Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
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I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.