When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.