[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
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Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me