when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?