every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
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“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
And bowling should be called pinball
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
🔦🌙👣