I had to Stop for this
You Might Also Like
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Interior design 👌
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
mechanics be like
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Chemical wingman