If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
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I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
No regrets in 2018
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I don’t think my car can fly
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…