[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
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Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.