HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
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Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.