6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
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I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
This came to me in a dream.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning