Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.