When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
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The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho