The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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